October 3, 2014
Author’s Note: This is purely satirical, so, yeah.
This morning, it was reported that the man who was diagnosed late last week with Ebola was actually just recovering from a tech conference he attended in Boston “on a whim.” After 29-year-old Andrew Scheurer – accompanied by his roommates – checked in to the hospital last Thursday reporting a high fever, shortness of breath, light chest pain, and a queasy stomach, doctors at County South reported his case to the CDC.
“He had all the tell-tale signs of Ebola,” said a doctor familiar with the case. “And it made the best sense since it’s the only disease that this country’s been talking about – didn’t you hear about the outbreak in Connecticut? It’s fucking crazy! No…? Well, I’m sure you just missed it in your research.”
It was both the best and worst dream he ever had; although, in the end, it wasn’t a dream, and Scheurer found himself quarantined for days in a special unit at New York-Presbyterian Hospital in New York City without any access to WiFi. But, many are wondering, how did he end up in this situation in the first place?
“I kept trying to tell them that I was just trying to recover from all the excitement at the MobileLehzgo Conference,” said Scheurer. “I mean, you can’t blame a guy for feeling jittery – an angel investor told me that he’s maybe interested in investing in my startup, Flexxible. Do you want to hear my pitch?”
Apparently, upon return from his Boston trip, Scheurer’s roommates were a bit worried for him, as he seemed a little more eccentric than usual. Overnight, he exhibited signs of high fever, likely brought on by his lack of sleep throughout his attendance at the MobileLehzgo Conference.
“He turned into this excitable madman,” said one of Scheurer’s roommates, wearing a free Twitter t-shirt he got at a tech happy hour he previously attended with Scheurer. “He kept telling us about all the capital that’s flowing into wearables right now, and that he was going to stay up all night coding until they had an MVP. Honestly, it was really scary, and I kind of wish he never attended MobileLehzo. And how do you even code an MVP? Is that even allowed in Fantasy Football?”
Launched in 2009, the MobileLehzgo Conference brings together startup founders, investors, technologists, technocrats, and techno music junkies once a year in the fall to share ideas, pitch demos, and basically just connect with each other. And, with all that goes down at MobilleLehzgo, can one really blame Scheurer? Lasting four days on MIT’s campus, the conference essentially is what would have been the tech elite’s Burning Man had Burning Man not already been their Burning Man.
Scheurer was released from quarantine this morning and is now back at home in his Brooklyn apartment. As for what he has gained from this experience, he said:
“I’m just glad to be home so that we can keep working on our social media strategy.”
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