The ‘Star Wars’ Trailer Analyzed by Someone Who’s Only Seen ‘Star Wars’ Once

April 16, 2015

8:00 pm

As much as I profess to be a geek – loyal Whovian, dedicated follower of Tolkien, lover of all things Marvel, and Pokemon master – there are limits to my passion and knowledge. For one, I don’t know much about Star Wars mythology; actually, I think it would be more than fair to say that I really know nothing aside from what I learned from the one and only time I watched the first Star Wars movie, Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope. So, sure, I get references to major characters, but I really know nothing about the story itself (whatever, guys, I grew up on Star Trek). Despite this, I – along with the rest of the world – watched the new teaser trailer for the new Star Wars movie set to come out this December. I went ahead and broke it down for you as someone who’s only seen Star Wars once.

Is that another desert? Why are they always on a desert? How is everyone not dead with all those deserts in the galaxy?

Wait. I know what that is. Or at least I should know. I think I’ve seen it as a LEGO set…? Or am I making sh*t up?

Who the hell is talking right now? Luke? Also, how did Darth Vader die again? Was that even in the movie I watched? Was his helmet a part of his body? Was it organic matter? This isn’t making any sense to me.

R2-D2! R2-D2! Wait, is that a lightsaber? Who’s who? Both of those hands seem very androgynous – they could both be either man or woman! Why aren’t there any damn faces in this trailer?

Just got irrationally excited. I don’t remember what these guys are called, but I know they’re the good guys. First face spotting. Almost. It’s behind a helmet, but that counts.

WTF is that Darth Vader, Jr.? Does Luke turn bad, too? Did he inherit the bad Force? Was his life predetermined? Can he overcome?? IS THAT KORRA? IS KORRA BOTH A JEDI AND THE AVATAR?!! So many Stormtroopers. I bet a lot of them are hot. They’ve gotta have, like, Marines-level bodies underneath there, right?

There’s Korra again just being her Avatar self. A bunch of fighting. And WHOA for some reason I thought Stormtroopers were all white guys – they always kinda had a KKK feel around them (all white outfits, destruction and all that).

I’m guessing those are bad guys…? Is that Darth Vader, Jr. from earlier? Is that a new robot friend we get to meet? Wait, why haven’t we seen C3PO? Did he die? There’s Korra helping out black Stormtrooper dude – they’re definitely going to fall in love #amirite? More air fighting stuff – that’s definitely a thing in every space movie.

Ahhhh, I know them! IMHO, Chewbacca and Han Solo are still looking hot AF. What is Chewbacca doing with that crossbow? It’s, like, the year 3090 or something isn’t it? Does that thing at least shoot lasers?

That was cool. I guess I’ll see it or something.

You can watch the full teaser trailer for Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens below. Also, if you get on Twitter and use Star Wars hashtags, some neat emoticons will pop up for you. (Seriously, try #C3PO, #Stormtrooper, or #StarWars).

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Ronald Barba was the previous managing editor of Tech.Co. His primary story interests include industry trends, consumer-facing apps/products, the startup lifestyle, business ethics, diversity in tech, and what-is-this-bullsh*t things. Aside from writing about startups and entrepreneurship, Ronald is interested in 'Doctor Who', Murakami, 'The Mindy Project', and fried chicken. He is currently based in New York because he mistakenly studied philosophy in college and is now a "writer". Tweet @RonaldPBarba.

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