December 17, 2013
Before we begin, allow me to clarify my use of the term “dude”. This is not describing a male. It’s describing a dude. The kind that drinks beer and prefers his meat wrapped in bacon. The kind that temporarily exits society’s orbit every time a new Grand Theft Auto is released. The kind that spends all Sunday watching the NFL while compulsively bouncing between fantasy football stat trackers on a laptop delicately balancing on his Steven Segal blu-ray DVD collection. By our definition, females too can very well be dudes.
Similarly, some or many of these gifts may very well appeal to non-dudes. I don’t know. I’m a dude. I only understand my kind. We like shark boats.
Without further ado, here are…
8 Very Necessary Tech(ish) Gifts for Your Dude
1) Keep Your Dude’s Lager Colder Longer
The only thing worse than no beer, is warm beer, and if you’re a dude, there is never no beer. Ipso facto, nothing keeps your dude’s heart warm quite like a cold brew. If your dude is prone to drinking beer from the bottle, gift him a Chillsner (an in-bottle beer chiller that lasts for ~1 hour). If your dude is the mug type, whiskey stones will do (bonus points: also chills whiskey…speaking of whiskey).
2) Whiskey of the Month
Dudes crave variety, quality, and whiskey (definitely not in that order). Drinking quality whiskey is a job he’s overly qualified for. The variety, however, requires research and retail, time much better spent shark boating. Enter Taster’s Club Whiskey of the Month. Simply pick between the Bourbon and Whiskey club options, and let the fine whiskey scientists at Taster’s Club handle the rest.
3) DIY Bacon Curing Kit
There’s nothing quite as satisfying as the act of creating something. Building a bookshelf from scrap oak is both intrinsically and extrinsically rewarding. There’s just one problem…a bookshelf is not bacon. Scratch the dude’s DIY and bacon itches simultaneously with this DIY bacon curing kit. “But cured meats are unhealthy,” you say. We appreciate the concern, but it isn’t so. Plus, the dude does what the dude wants, and the dude wants bacon (and shark boats).
4) Bluetooth Gramophone
“Oh, is that a Gramophone? You’re so sophisticated,” said early 20th century humans. Similar to how you feed Brussels sprouts to a child (see #3), you too can feed vintage sophistication to your dude (with a heaping dose of new-tech). The Gramovox bluetooth gramophone is the perfect bourgeois disguise to up his class and street cred simultaneously.
5) The Quantified Smart Car
Although your dude may not be able to remember his own birthday, he’s memorized the VIN of every vehicle he’s owned and that of his 15 closest friends. It’s not that he’s bad at numbers; he only counts what matters. Cars (also, shark boats) matter, and for that reason, your dude will love Automatic, a device that plugs into your vehicle’s data port and seamlessly transmits driving information and performance statistics to the accompanying smartphone app. Automatic provides drivers a “drive score” (a measure of gas efficiency), the perfect complement to your dude’s unrelenting competitive nature.
6) Hoodies Meet Headphones
Remember a time before iPods? When we were forced to walk from point A to point B without the aid of musical, podcastical, or audiobookical accompaniment? No seriously, that happened. I was reminded of such a dark age recently after forgetting my earbuds on a trip to the
shark boat grocery store. Don’t let your dude fall victim to this pre-historic dilemma – get her a hoodiebuddie. I’ll spare you the self-evident explanation and let the below .gif carry that load.
7) Kegerator Arcade
If ever there was a knock against kegerators (to be clear, kegerators sport a knock-less record), it would be their inability to play old school video games. This kegerator is also an arcade. Or is it that this arcade is also a kegerator? Either way, the Dreamcade Kegerator 60 is indoor-plumbing away from consuming 100% of your dude’s day.
8) SHARK BOAT
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